The Student Literary Magazine launches every Tuesday with a new entry featuring articles, essays, poems, short stories, and illustrations by Primavera students.

“Learning from the Love that I’ve Lost”

by Julia Crenshaw

Infants, at first, don’t understand

how dangerous the angry sea can be,

but feed the child to a mighty wave,

and in time, she is sure to see.

Shadows, pushing and pulling,

the loud fighting and the screams,

are still some of the things

that haunt me in my dreams.

For me, he was the ocean

he seemed peaceful; full of delight.

But, my family and I eventually learned,

survival was a constant fight.

You are taught to trust and love them

that they’re guardians through and through,

but after crossing the line night after night,

my hate for him eventually grew.

I cried most nights quietly,

I flinched as he walked by,

a while I wished for nothing more

than to lay down and to die.

Like the ocean, he came crashing down,

it became harder and harder to swim.

I tried to fight, with all my might,

but I ultimately couldn’t beat him.

Fake smiles were worn as masks,

faintly hiding some of the pain.

But you cannot hide everything,

like bruises and disdain.

In class there was a boy I knew

and he smiled at me every day.

Once or twice we had talked together,

but I knew there was distance that had to stay.

He stayed by my side for months,

and months turned into years,

his became a hand for me to hold,

and a shoulder for my tears.

He gave me the strength I needed,

on that one dreadful night,

when she called me, saying to pack

quietly, in the darkest of light.

Again the ocean came roaring,

spitting, tumbling and rolling,

but this time I fought back,

knowing just where we were going.

As she picked us up, behind her were

flashing lights of blue and red,

I ran to her, and she held me,

I knew the times of sorrow were dead.

We left him there, standing,

with a look of stupor upon his face.

He never thought we’d do it,

nor did he think we’d leave that place.

We drove far to a quaint building,

full of families just like mine.

Ones that were done with hurting

and being forced back into line.

Families who had left their own oceans,

ones who were cruel and mean.

And here, they were to make a new life,

one that was free and clean.

After a while, I found that boy,

the one who kept me strong,

he and I became close friends again,

I finally told him what was wrong.

I spoke of the monster who had hurt me,

the one from my terrible past.

And he just paused, smiled and told me,

he was glad I was safe at last.

He helped me learn things I never knew,

like I was pretty and very kind.

He told me things I’d never heard,

like he thought I had a brilliant mind,

It was extremely difficult to forget,

but I tried, for that’s what I yearned.

But, he explained to me, I didn’t need to,

because of what I had learned.

I had learned things no one else could

from a lecture or a book.

They were things people didn’t see,

because they didn’t bother to look.

I thanked him for being someone,

who cared enough to help.

Who only needed that fake smile to hear

that painfully silent yelp.

Eventually, with his friendship,

I stopped worrying about the past.

I focused on the present and slowly

removed my heart’s heavy cast.

The cast had helped for a while,

but I didn’t need it anymore.

Because the hurt that I once felt,

was shut behind a locked door.

That boy who once helped me,

has become my first love,

for, he helped me reach freedom

like a single peaceful dove.

And now, I feel proud

about the dangerous roads I’ve crossed,

and that I’m finally learning

from the love that I have lost.